Well everyone, after months upon months of waiting, we finally know what Cave Johnson was planning for his little test chamber experiment thing, or what we know as, the “2nd DLC”. Genius, it is, having Apertures from other universes making test chambers for us and we “stealing” them. And the name is interesting too, Perpetual Testing Initiative. More on that later. We also found some old fashion portal tech that we are informed is called steampunk. It behaves like what we have now, but it looks older and cooler, with all its knobs and gears and other sweet stuff. Things haven’t been completely smooth around here, though. We had a little trouble around the facility. You see, some scientists have started a little game in which they get more drunk the more they test. They have been swigging so much of our Portal 2 cocktails that Caroline had a fit that could rival the ones made by Johnson himself. We all laughed our heads off, though, at the site of those employees crashing into walls, thinking they were going to fly through a portal. Oh yeah, and for those who haven’t known, we were recording in our new podkasting facility, with [Redacted], for this episode and it’s really quite epic. This, more, more after, and even more after that in episode 11 of ASEMBLE. So plug yourself in and let the testing begin! And be ready for the Perpetual Testing Initiative, coming May 8th. And happy Portalversary, everyone!
Links:
Perpetual Testing Initiative | Darkhorse Portal Art | Steampunk Portal Gun
Steampunk Portal Boots | Steampunk Portal Battery | Steampunk Portal Gear
If I were a Core | Portal 2 Lego Art | Alcohol Science | Zbot’s Portal Room
Map Review: Lp’s Lazr0s
Player(s) of the Week: Codename’s Stalker
I am sorry to announce, but it seems like episode 11 is going to be delayed a bit. Zbot and I were suddenly thrown out of our work area and were told that our place is getting a make over. We were pissed, because we were going to do some recording before that happened. But do not worry, we will have an 11th episode for you fans soon.
So yeah, that’s the bad news, but we do have some good news. The good news is that Portal 2 is now, if you haven’t already heard, over 1 year old. We were so happy that [Redacted] reminded us of this and we began partying in some test chambers to celebrate, since our office was being worked on. But yeah, once the place is redone, we’ll show you all what it looks like, and trust us, it’ll most like cause your nerves to go haywire with excitement and squee. We hope to soon have it up, because Aperture Science loves all its customers and so do we. Thank you, and we hope to see you all in the next testings.
An interesting time warp happened last week, in case anyone IS actually reading these reviews. Even if you aren’t, which is kind of impossible, considering you are at least glancing at these words right now, it’s fun writing these things and I’m happy to bring my experiences from every wing of Aperture into light. But, as I was saying, I ran into some issues when stress-testing the time device for the lab boys from the past. From what I’ve been told, that was a solid week ago, and the outcome was… Well, turns out I need a new left pinky. No one knows where the old one is, no one knows what time it’s left in. But, I’m at least *mostly* recovered, and this next test proves it.
How will you ever get over the field! Oh noes!
Now, I was made to stay in the infirmary and was given a false record by one of the scientists I agreed to work for. In 1962 my name is Margaret Lowry and I like apples. But the device was fixed and I’m back on my rounds. The test I was given to make sure I am still cognitively sane is one to teach the mechanic of a new way to think with portals and pits.
This test on its own is a good exercise, keeping it short and collected in one area. It’s obviously created to teach a mechanic in an environment where it’s the only way to reach a button or get a cube to the other side of the room. It works very well once you understand exactly what you’re supposed to do, with all the mechanics meshing and flowing nicely together.
This thing will hurt. Be careful.
One can’t help but note the crisp, clean look and feel of the test, like it just came off the assembly line. And it may have. Not a tile out of place. Nothing unusual to report. Granted, a button right up next to the ceiling may look weird, but it was a goal, and the one to teach you what to do. Visually it looked perfect. Simple and straight-forward, it flows so well from one mechanic to the next.
Now, just how the heck do I get up there?!?
The mechanic trying to be taught by this test is not one I’ve seen much of. That’s probably because it’s pretty difficult to move out of a portal. It can be quite a pain to know exactly what you have to do, but the portals just don’t want to work for you. This test doesn’t make it any easier, but since it is the purpose of the test, it may not be quite as frustrating since it IS the test and not a simple function.
I liked the use of the laser and emancipation grills. Normally, the way they’re generally used together stands alone, but again, there’s good use of mechanic meshing right here. And, the solution to getting around the fields is so easy that I even overlooked it!
You can see pretty much all the test right here. Pretty tight.
There’s not much left to say about this pretty little test. It functions the way it’s supposed to, you may learn a thing or two along the way, and it’s just short enough to play with when you’re in a hurry. I would recommend asking for this map to be included in your normal testing track if you’re not quite as advanced as some, as the mechanic you learn here may be useful in the future, where you may have one of these special flings slipped into one of the official ones.
Yay, I’m done and not dead! The red stuff always hurts… Remember that.
Visual : 5/5 cubes [simplistic.]
Puzzle : 5/5 cubes [entertaining, not too hard or difficult.]
Flow : 5/5 cubes [simply spectacular. For a small map the flow works wonders.]
Teacher : 4/5 cubes [The map doesn’t really tell you anything about what you’re supposed to do. The solution may be too well-hidden for the inexperienced to pick up on quickly.]
Total : 4.75 cubes
Cute little map will hurt you if you’re not careful. But you should learn from your mistakes. If you don’t… Well, you’re insane. Highly recommended to those with less experience just for the learning factor. Crisp look, flows good, it deserves this high score. Not all stellar tests are of one particular length, goal, or idea. This map proves it, even if the designer didn’t spend a really long time on it. I applaud you for putting effort into functionality for everything you do, not just the big stuff.
Good run, I hope to be astounded by the clique ‘good things come in little packages’ yet again sometime.
~~
You can download Lp’s Flingtro from ThinkingWithPortals.com!
If you have a map you’d like to request be tested, pop over to the forums to place an order! Self promotion is acceptable! 
Any comments, questions, or the like may be sent to redacted.asemble@gmail.com regarding any map review done.
Follow [REDACTED] on Twitter! @REDA_CTED!
After barricading ourselves in our recording studio while trying to avoid the mob of pony fans (A.K.A.bronies), we came across another set of mysterious documents. To our horror, they told of one of Aperture’s past plans to improve business. The first being on the list, brace yourselves, was getting rid of all portal technology. Shocked out of our minds, we asked Caroline if this was true, and to our dismay, it was… for a time. Thankfully though, Cave Johnson then realized that if he did that, all our his customers (about 204) would stop buying his products. Thank god he came to his sense then, or I wouldn’t be here tell you all it. We also came across some videos that I’ve got to say are quite entertaining and scientifically educational. I can’t believe we’ve never met this Susan Tiemann; I mean we work in the same building.. Not only that, but it appears Aperture has modified an old game called “Mario” with their own tech and have made it so much fun, especially because we can now have 4 people play at once. I mentioned ponies earlier, and reason why I did is because some ponies have been buying a lot of Aperture Science products and been messing around with them all over their home, wherever that is. I’d explain more, but I don’t think you listeners want to read a 100 page report. So get your inflatable turret, turn up the sound, and listen to the most Portaly podcast out there: ASEMBLE.
Links:
GDC Portal Talk | Portal 2: Original Opening | Competative Portal
Science Time with Susan: Portals | Science Time with Susan: Schrödinger’s Cat
Mari0 | Prank | Delivery Service | Maintenance | Rainbow Highway
Trust and Cooperation | Inflatable Sentry Turret | ASEMBLE Flikr w/ Candy Pics
Map Review: Tower Defense 2
Player(s) of the Week: save_us
As with most tests, I entered the map in a lift, leaving it into a shaft with videos of Aperture products. Nothing new, nothing original… ooh, a fancy door…
Oh, OWW! I should have been given sunglasses…! This chamber is blinding, and quite honestly that is the only thing I can think about when I go through that door. When I actually allot time for my eyes to adjust, I see a lazer, a cube, and a big room behind some glass… Alright then. And as I always do, some exploration is in order:
In full screen you can actually SEE the brightness, but there’s enough to hint here.
After some gymnastics that led me to a spot to remove any gunshot wounds I may have suffered in the future, I deemed it clear to explore the thankfully metal room. Oh, there’s lots of fizzlers here. And lots of laser catchers. This should be fun.
Okay, brief part count: Head, check. Legs, check. Gun, check. I seem to be mostly in place, no parts left in the past… Reminds me of the time I-OH MY GOD HELLO MR. FAITH PLATE HOW ARE YOU ON THIS FINE DAY!
Kill me now, that plate scared me so much.
Physics still apply to me, I’m not walking through walls, so that’s very good to know. I was honestly scared after my little time travel incident to those two weirdos-oh, no, you can’t be serious… Four laser catchers? Oh, man… Well, where’s the laser? Deactivated? Then let’s go get it. Somehow. The test is large enough and in enough sections with enough elements that I needed to figure out where everything was before I could do the puzzle. After walking through quite a large number of emancipation grills, finding two laser cubes and a normal, and what I needed to get to everything, I was finally ready to begin.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I CAN’T USE MY GHOSTBUSTER LOOK ALIKE QUANTUM TUNNELING DEVICE??!?
As a general rule of thumb, don’t ever do science unless you are sure you have the right equipment. If you don’t have the right equipment it’s a safety hazard, and that’s where you get all of those repetitive punny safety posters in high school labs. [Handle test tubes like a gun, they might go off!] Well, I was told upon being ‘hired’ that Aperture wasn’t exactly the safest science company, so I was prepared for stuff like unattended radioactive waste, uninsolated machinery, a lack of those OSHA-issue latex glove boxes on the walls… But really, asking me to do dangerous physics with dangerous gels over dangerous water with untested exposure to ginormous buttons is pretty hardcore. Especially when you’re used to figuring it all out on your own.
Work, work, work. It seems that’s all we’ve been doing these past weeks. However, just because it’s work, doesn’t mean it’s fun. Zbot and I are happy to announce that one of our personality cores has landed itself in another universe, a universe in which dragons rule and houses are not made of certifiably safe, Aperture Science materials. Though an exciting discovery, all we got back from the core was “space”. We’ll continue to keep an eye on this core and inform you later on its progress. While we were taking break from watching the core, Zbot and I listened to some epic tunes and watched the testing of some new Aperture wear for turrets. Not only that, but we also learned the existence of some rather fascinating clothing that our test subjects are being given. Shows that being one has its benefits. After that we played with some (fake) combustable lemons and with our gels. But there’s still more good news; a while ago we got a call from one of fellow podkasters, Tempest, and he said he wanted in on this episode. Being fans of him and Kritzkast, we jubilantly agreed to let him on and with his help we have made this episode the funniest we have ever recorded. On a final note, we of ASEMBLE and thepodkast.com would like to congratulate Gary Hudson and Stephany for getting married on today, February 29th, 2012. May you live happy, Aperture Science-filled lives and continue to love the epicness that is Portal 2.
Warning: This episode contains dangerously high levels of plugs. Exposure to such high levels of plugging can result in increased addiction to ASEMBLE, Kritzkast, and other podkasts on thepodkast.com. You have been warned.
Links:
Fall of the Space Core | Portal Gun Replica for Sale | This is Aperture | The Wheatley Song | Turret Fashion | Test Candidate Hoodie
Plushie Lemons | Portal 2 Gels | Aperture Science Office
Map Review: Portal Stories Mel: Past Power
Player(s) of the Week: Freaky + rest of Portal Stories team
The Lift dropped me off in one of the unfixed Test chambers. The test chamber seems a little too quiet. It looks like the speakers are out. It seems that that isn’t the only thing working. The number screen at the start of each test reads 00. Sometimes I wonder if GLaDOS seals me in a chamber like that cat which she claimed Schrödinger had. I heard it died, I wasn’t paying that much attention at the time.
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We arrived on separate platforms, separated by glass and space. Which was weird, as we hadn’t been separated since the first calibration… What was GLaDOS doing? She started spouting off all the ways humans could die, but I’d already heard it… I didn’t really pay attention. Frankly, even though I am a robot with a priority to testing, I would enjoy a short break from the collaboration-OH LOOK! A button! || Read more
